Tag Archives: Sarcasm

Thirteen Reasons I am Thankful for MSN Spaces

Well, my friends (yes, you) I have now been with WP for a whopping three weeks. This was my first official post (if you missed it) and I’m loving it here already. To celebrate, I’m staying up late and composing this as I hit my sarcastic peak–usually after midnight. Plus, it’s depressing to head to bed when you’ve become second only to a week-long ISO 9001 certification.

Thank you, MSN Spaces for helping me see the light. It took me a while – just 2½ years of blogging torture and misery – but I moved on mentally and physically. I shall no more feel used and cheap, nay! No longer discarded and unwanted–tossed aside like a Commodore 64 in a Pawn Shop.

1. Now, I know you made me Space of the Week twice and even included me in a snazzy booklet you distributed at a technology convention blah, blah (which technically makes me a published writer–Ithankyou!), but it’s all too little too late my friend. We’re done. Over. No moooooore.

2. Don’t come crying to me begging me to reconsider: I left no forwarding address. For good reason.

3. The last straw was when you disabled <a href> functions. Gone was my clickable banner. You’re Suckingham Palace my friend.

4. I can publish a post here anytime I feel like it. I can archive all my old stuff and put it in this shiny new place.

5. But – WORDPRESS! – I cannot, canNOT transload it from MSN, you don’t support it. Cheers for that. That and my gazillion old comments from my wee lovelies. I have to painstakingly publish. One. At. A. Freakin. Time. Lovely biscuits.

I forgive you though.

6. Okay, maybe one sincere thank you. Thanks for posting me on the MSN Homepage. I got 95,000 hits that day. I also wet my (British) pants. Twice.

7. I can have as many categories as I please. Read them and weep. No, really.

8. And, I don’t even need to publish with a category, you pedantic fools.

9. How many ex-pats did you introduce me to? Hmmm…let’s see. None. I now rub shoulders with seven, and three Anglophiles.

10. I can e-mail WP HQ. How bloody cool is that?!

11. I can propel myself (if I so choose) to my own website. Kiss that MSN.

12. Sandboxes galore. That’s all I’m saying.

13. You still have (a year-and-a-half of) my stuff and I’m coming back to get it. You can keep the Cindy Lauper CD though.


Thirteen Things I May Have Said to my Children

…but you can’t prove it.

1. Holding my new Supernanny book aloft, “Ian, this book is going to revolutionise your life!”

2. “You love Nicole? Well, you can date her in 12 years, but by then she’ll be 31.”

3. “One day you’re going to realise how awesome I really am.”

4. “There are starving kids in Africa who don’t get to eat over-processed cheese slices, high sodium Oscar Meyer The Cheesiest Cheese Dogs and instant mash. Just sit there and eat it.”

5. “Ian this isn’t a democracy, put your toys away.”

6. To both at any given moment, “Don’t touch that, you’ll go blind.” or “Where’s your trousers?!”

7. “Cameron, put the contraband down and step away.”

8. “This is an iPod. It plays a lot of music, all stored in this tiny device. Back in my day, we had to listen to songs one at a time on a 7-inch vinyl record or a whole album on a 12-inch. And we liked it. Of course, this was pre-1982 before CDs were manufactured.”

9. “Cameron son, don’t cry it’s okay. Just remember: It’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up.”

10. Cameron has broader shoulders than Ian, and at 9 months was 2″ taller than Ian at that age. “One day Cameron’s going to be able to defend himself because he’ll be bigger than you, and when he is he’s going to beat you up. And I’ll just sit back and watch.”

11. “Ian? Stop running from me. Only the guilty run!”

12. “I’m sorry but Play-Doh is not a significant source for daily nutritional requirements.”

13. “The manual extraction from your nasal cavity is not approved behaviour at the dinner table.”

Just Thirteen?

I don’t complain much; on or offline. But here’s thirteen things that are getting on ma t***. Yes, toes.

In order of annoyance.

Three times they’ve sent me the wrong colour of something because they ran out mid-transaction. The reason? “The red 12-18 months brushed cotton shirt must have been in the same bin as the brown and they just sent out the red instead. It’s sold out now.” Translation: WE LIE. And we want your money, so here’s a colour you didn’t want. The store agrees with me too.

2. No Christmas snow. We had snow all the way up to mid-December. That sucks. Ian was gutted.

This is up the one side of my house taken mid-December

3. The Christmas lights blew a fuse and it was impossible to repair it easily. Plus, it was minus-something degrees outside. The clincher? I told Ian that the Christmas lights were there so Santa could find us. They went out Christmas EVE.

4. Buying Parenting books to solve Cameron’s 11 months of sleep issues and that night and just days later, he fixed EVERYTHING himself. It’s not smart and it’s not clever.

5. Bruise-free kids until a week before our first ever professional family picture. Then I got the flu. We cancelled that morning.

6. eBay listing/auction end gouging fees. You’re already loaded, knock it off.

7. The Flu. And not being able to take anything for it.

8. Taking two doses of Mucinex DM and realising too late it has Pseudofed in it. Good thing Cameron is almost a year old now.

9. Old ladies, parking spaces and Christmas traffic. Bryan sat and waited for a lady to get in her car, back up and vacate a space, only to have a gormless old biddy steal it from him and not even bat an eyelash. I should have smacked her with my umbrella. Old people suck. They smell bad too. Look, I’m complaining, just let me go.

10. Memes. I still do them and I still like it, even if I complain about it.

11. Having to watch the Queen’s Christmas speech online. Now THAT’S quality broadcasting.

12. Being too sick to make Christmas fudge for my friends. Now they’ll think I really suck. I’m making it tomorrow though.

13. Having to drive 45 miles to recycle Christmas boxes a-go-go because the local garbage service:
a) won’t let your wheelie bin’s lid be at more than a 45 degree angle without an extra fee.
b) won’t let your garbage weigh more than the alloted amount for the size of the bin. Try guessing it though.
c) comes at 4 a.m.

Note to Self: Order Cakes in Person

I don’t care if this is true or not, it’s still funny!

I have always felt that many of the folks at Wal-Mart weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, this story only validates my theory that incompetence knows no bounds.

We had a ‘going away’ party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write:

“Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write “We will miss you”.

As the picture shows, it didn’t quite turn out like we anticipated, but it was too funny not to keep it.