Category Archives: Sarcasm

A Lifetime in 6 Months

It’s amazing to me how much has transpired since Cameron turned one year old in January. I was physically exhausted after writing this letter to him. I’d found out the condition of my Gran had worsened and posted this – another drainer.

We made the decision to go to Scotland together as a family to see her in March, she passed while we were there and then I wrote this and this.

You’d never know I generally seep in sarcasm after reading those. Everybody takes you seriously when you have a lilting accent, though. Something about not hearing the different sarcastic inflection. Kiss my kilt. It’s draining the sarcastic life out of me.

So, I decided since Cameron was turning 18 months old today, I was going to capture some shots of him and Ian together. It turned out well. As well as a mother could hope. Now I know why they say never to work with children or animals. Or animal children. (Click on any of the images to enlarge.)

I get them in position, and then they spot a farmer on his humongous tractor 16 miles away. OK, it was about half an acre behind our place, but still…

I birth a brain child and heave their bench from the porch onto the lawn. Too bad they’re too busy TALKING to pay attention to me. Their mother.

Almost a shot. Too bad they’re both looking the wrong way. What’s over there, you say? Nothing. A rogue twig, probably.

Ian tries to steal a kiss, holding on to Cameron with the double hand death grip.

An escapee chases a bloody butterfly. However, I am still oozing the patience of a saint.

I manage to get Ian back on the bench, doing some sort of Playgirl move. Too bad his shoes are on backwards…

Yes, he’s a freakin comedian. I’m laughing too. Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME??!!

I fake sneeze to get Cameron to laugh. It backfired when Ian started doing it too.

Granted, they’re still sitting together, but then Ian starts body slamming him because I kept telling him to move back beside Cameron. Cameron then curses at him in his own language. Ian looks on, obviously indifferent to the insults being fired at him.

I give up. This one’ll do.

I took this the night before. His first shot on a swing.

I get no respect. Check out his new growler face.

I get Ian in a prime spot and have him wait for Cameron. He was a no-show.

I’ll leave it to the professionals next time, they get paid to be miserable. In the meantime, I have some SERIOUS blackmail fodder for when they’re both teenagers. This is me with baited breath.

Ten Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Myself Say

 1.  “I think for our next house, we should build it out where there’s not so many other homes around us, secluded a bit more, you know?”
2.  “Ian, close the front door, birdie will fly out and the hawks’ll get him.”
3.  “When I was feeding Cameron this morning at 5 a.m., there was an owl on our roof hooting.”
4.  “I can’t believe those guys are poaching deer so close to our house.”
5.  “A bald eagle just flew over our car!”
6.  “It’s quiet and peaceful here, I’m actually starting to enjoy it, in spite of myself.”
7.  “It’s weird to see buffalo in a field next to I-93 on the way to Missoula.”
8.  “I never knew what dark was until I moved here.  Look at all those stars!  I think I can see every constellation.  If you relax your eyes you can see the Milky Way too.”
9.  “What’s the point of going camping?  We’re already there!”
10. “I can’t sleep, it’s too quiet here.”

Talking About Things I Miss from Scotland

Here is a list put together by my good friend Siobhan.  The comments after each entry are my own though -John N.  And after his are mine -Siobhan
ten pence mixtures – although the 10p mixups weren’t what they used to be even before I left. For one they cost 20p!!!  I miss them in general, not specific to a decade.  Fanny.

corner shops – More so being able to pop into Spar for a tin of soup, 4 rolls and a Fruit Corner! 
Nah, give me a chelsea bun any day …

chips and gravy – Chips and Curry Sauce!!! 
Hey, this is my fantasy!

being able to walk somewhere – and being 50lbs lighter because of it
speak for yourself lard ass – more like 15-20

sausage rolls – oh yes Sausage Rolls, and scotch pies fae Greggs the Baker, and real dougnuts from Greggs as well. Jam doughnuts, and doughnuts with chocolate icing on it! That actually tastes chocolatey
and cheese and onion pasties, and cornish pasties, and scotch pies, and bridies … and fudge doughnuts from Auld’s

the coast – LMAO!! Remember when you kept jumping into the white foam until I told you it was pollution. And even then you argued because the seagulls were eating it. Classic!  (This comment was just for Siobhan, but I thought I would still include it here.  Because it’s still hilarious) 
I don’t remember any seagull comment, and Ellen ran down first as I remember it.  I did it for attention anyway, seemed to have worked, you still remember it.

not having to spell my name (at least in the last 5 years BEFORE I left) – k when ever I spell my name I have to say ENN EE DOUBLE U AY FOR APPLE ELL ELL. And they still spell it wrong. It’s not NEWELL. Since when did E stand for Apple!!! The other day in class I said E for Eggbert and the whole place errurpted. I love me!  Oh geez …

bagpuss – lazy bass that he is. And seriously what wee lassie actually owns their own shop. They never had any customers, how did it stay open? I say it was a freaking front! I did like the mice!  I miss all the old kids shows in general, Bagpuss was too obscure for me really.

sausage suppers – Fish Suppers. Black Pudding Suppers All drenched with broon sauce Nae fish suppers, that’s pure mingin’, sausage, pie and hamburger …

slice aka square sausage – Aye and to say a pun a’ slice and for someone to know what it is!  And while we’re at it – stovies

any kind of sausage really – real sausages and real bacon

safeway – I love the Safeways

newsagents – is this no the same as a corner shop?   Naw, loadsa magazines and bigger selection of chocolate

potato scones – Tattie scones. I make my own now. Not as good but still tasty

potato waffles – pass with a fry up

brown sauce – Cannae beat the broon sauce man

heinz soups – Campbells sucks ass

cornish pasties – Oh aye man

the wombles – of wimbledon common are they. Making good use of the things that they find. Things that the everyday folks leave behind.  Ahh that mad old Uncle Bulgaria.  With his wee mad hat and coat.  Don’t eat all of the hot biscuits noo.  Ye’ll just make yourself hiccup.

wellies – if it wisnae fir yer wellies. Where wid ye be? You’d be in the hospital or Infirmerie

tizer – hmmm Fruity Fizzy juice. I miss just calling soda, juice. I don’t care if there isn’t actually real juice in it, it’s still juice to me!

tesco cheese aisle – tescos is too dear but their cheese selection is unrivaled

french fancies – sweet and good

red amber green amber red – oh aye.  And hilarious that no American will have a scoobie whit that even is referring to.

crusty rolls – brilliant. I found some at Smiths that were almost the same. But not really. i was just dreaming!

bacon sarnie – Wie lashings ay broon sauce

top 40 singles – and complaining aboot the pish n the charts these days!!

rain, some times – I always miss the rain. Rain that disnae flood yer basement. Cause you don’t huv a bloody basement in Scotland to flood!

no chance of watching someone run a red light – lol

knowing what the name of a cut of beef is – stewing steak, is fir yer stew. Makes it that much easier people!

teletext – internet before internet wis even oot

british tv – all this good stuff comes on and I’m not there to enjoy it. Real satire that is tongue in cheek and does not require a laugh track to tell me when I was supposed to laugh!

jam doughnuts – See comment above about Greggs

real hot cross buns – They were hot and they were cross. Those mad wee bastards

singing a nursery rhyme without changing the words – It’s not bloody “Ashes Ashes!!” It’s “Attishoo Attishoo!” It was a British epidemic don’t tell us how to sing it  And the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long, because we have bus services that go all day long, not just from 7-3 or whatever the heck it is.  And it’s head shoulders knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose … And ABC’s are sung to the tune of “this is the way we wash our face” (on a cold and frosty morning, not freakin early in the morning) …