Category Archives: Funny

Golden Telephone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.   She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘OK, thank you,’ said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Africa, England, Japan, New Zealand.  In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone.

He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 pence per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

‘Father, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Scotland now, son – it’s a local call’.

Photo Hunt: Ruin(ed)

I single-handedly managed to ruin a perfectly nice photograph of the sisters and sisters-in-law (and in my case, in-law^2) by gawping.  I apparently forgot the cardinal rule for any individual in a wedding party:  Wherever there are cameras, have a perma-smile.  The keen eye will also notice I obviously didn’t know what to do with my arms.

img_2176A lovely sea of red.
What was I doing with my mouth anyway?

My four sisters-in-law are very far left, to the right of my brother-in-law looking left, and the next two rights in the front.

T13: Thirteen Things Every New Mother Needs

You know, there are a plethora of baby novelty-things-you-need-for-your-child manufacturers out there, all trying to sell you the next big thing.  Some you need, some you think you need, and some are only useful for the cardboard box they come in.

Apart from a few basics (like clothes, bedding, feeding stuff, etc.), I think the things a new Mum needs are:

  • The Cot/Crib
  • A Diaper Bag
  • A Baby Swing
  • A Travel System Stroller
  • A Foam Changing Pad you can move around
  • An Infant Bathtub
  • A Nasal Aspirator and Baby Fingernail Clippers (cut them after a feed)
  • Toys

Forget those Exersaucers, all they do is encourage thigh strength and leg development, and before you know it, you’ve got a walker on your hands.  Believe me, it’s only cute the first time.  You don’t need half that paraphernalia they try to sell you.  Everything else is just fluff.  Here’s what you do need:

1.  A Bleach Pen to remove projectile vomit stains from your (white) clothes.  It’ll also whiten up vests/onesies stained with the ever popular blowout sessions.

2.  Magic Eraser.  Get rid of photo frame dark chip marks in your wall with this little beauty.  Also great for removing pen from walls.

3.  Baby Wipes.  If you have a boy, you’ll need these to wipe the directed urine off your face when you’re changing his bum.  These also remove lipstick from your shirt and yogurt from your carpet.  You’ll wonder how you ever lived without them.

4.  Resolve Triple Action Carpet Stain Remover Spray.  After removing the excess paint with a credit card, this is the only thing that removes deep violet-coloured acrylic stains from your 6-month old carpet.  Don’t ask.

5.  Which brings me to:  A Steam Vacuum.  Self-explanatory.

6.  Era Active Stain Fighting Formula.  Rub this in pre-wash.  Great at removing foundation, lipstick and grass stains from your shirts.  Again, don’t ask.

7.  Gorilla Glue.  Fixes your expensive Thomasville photo frames filled with your wedding photos right up.

8.  Masking Tape.  You’ll need this 8 days after you move into a brand new home that has no window blinds yet and your 2.5-year-old glides a Matchbox plane into his bedroom window at curveball speed.  This works until you get it repaired in the dead of winter for $107.

9.  Mylicon Gas Drops:  A sweet miracle in a bottle.

10.  A Dry Erase Marker.  Rub this over your new PC monitor screen that’s covered with black Sharpie, it’ll come right off.  Don’t believe me?  Go try it.  Yes, do it!

11.  Child Locks for Doors and Cupboards.  Forget safety, these will save you grief and headaches.  Pay particular attention to bathrooms and the pantry.

12.  Beanbags.  You’ll wonder what you ever did without one and your child will grow to love it like another appendage.

13.  You Tube.  Want to distract a crying baby or toddler and going outside to look at the moon isn’t cutting it?  Then search for ‘In the Night Garden episodes’.  Problem solved.  It may appear as though the producers of this children’s show have questionable extra-curricular activities, but your little one will love it.  And, it’s far less obnoxious than Smellytubbies.  It also has a catchy, adorable theme tune that will get stuck in your head for months.  You can thank me later.

HF: Backwards Much?

Haiku FridayMontana = beauty
Clean, serene, charming, peaceful
Outdoorsy heaven

If you’ve e’er wondered
Why I talk smack about ‘Tana
Here’s a good reason:


UK readers: Radio Shack is the same company as Tandy.

Photo Hunt: Emotion

I thought I’d take another stab at this week.

The Cryfest

Not one to pull his bottom lip in when he bawls, Cameron sticks it out. Right out. There’s three distinct stages:

Ian never cried like this, so as you can imagine, I have a ton of these types of pics. I shouldn’t laugh at him, but I can’t help it, it’s so pathetically cute!

Photo Hunt: Bad Hair

I’ve never participated in Photo Hunt before, but thought I’d take a squizz (a wee look, in case there was any doubt!) at the theme for this week. I had to. I just had to.

Personally, I think the Lab safety specs really complete the look.

Scrolling Saturdays – A Post From the Past

Below is probably my most favourite post, this was the last one of three I thought of republishing three weeks ago. I originally wrote it 14 August 2005.

Having my hairdryer blow up on me last Friday (6th) has certainly turned out to my advantage. But don’t tell me that when I’m standing on linoleum, dryer in hand waiting for it to burst into flames whilst examining the scorch mark on my t-shirt, it might just not go down too well.

The time for another electrical appliance of some contraption-type invention to blow up on me was drawing closer anyway. It had been nigh on 10 years since the last time. Only, last time I was in the UK where the volts are twice as nice; 220 to be exact. On the previous occasion, it was an iron. Took me a long time to use one of those again. I had a lovely black scorch mark up my right arm. I certainly felt the extent of my mortality that day. Although, I must admit, that too became an advantage. “Mum, could you iron this for me – I’m crapping bullets here thinking about it.”

Although, that too, like the hair dryer before it (yes, another one) was mysteriously my fault. Yes, you’re right, I willed the iron to blow up on me half-way-through, so I could walk around with sat on clothes, and a singe mark the size of a small infant on my underarm. Incidentally, the woven flex was thread-bare in one spot. Point for concern? Yes, I say. Reason to purchase a new one? Apparently not. Just wrap some electrical tape around it and call it good. It’ll be fine until it blows again. Thanks Mum, for installing the “if it’s not broken, don’t bother buying a new one, Siobhan’s still with us” mentality into my mind, even though I was too hysterical and anxiety-stricken to notice.

Text for unloaded image So I digress. I went and bought myself a new hairdryer. It’s snazzy. It looks super cool. And it works. What sold me? Not the super-quiet, high speed dry. Not the ergonomic hand design for comfortable drying. It was the lint filter doors that “open with the press of a button for easy cleaning.” It’s like a space craft. I love this thing!

Although, I have to say, I do love the “ionic” feature. Dries my hair in no time. I’ve also had to stop using as much conditioner or leaving it on as long. This leaves it all silky smooth.

Someone asked: “Did Siobhan get her hair cut differently?”

“No. She bought a new hairdryer.”

Fabulous.

My hair now moves with slow-motion spleandour. Gone are the days of hair pomade requirements (and superglue) to calm down the frizzies. It, my dear friends, has been tossed aside like a Commodore 64 in a pawn shop.

* * * * *

This is my last post till I update when we reach the UK. We’ll land in Heathrow around 6 a.m. (GMT – 1 a.m. ET) Tuesday. Have a great weekend everyone.

A 3-year-old’s Guide to Haiku Fibbing

My happiest times
Are when they play together
Saves me the effort!

A quiet convo
With my travelling husband
He shared my happies

Thirty-five minutes
They were playing in Cam’s room
Did I speak too soon?

Off to the kitchen
To grab a glass of water
I turned, saw his face

My voice raised an eighth!
“Good grief! What happened Ian?!”
“He did it himself”

It’s talcum powder. Ask me how many times I’ve used it? I despise the stuff, it’s so useless. Okay, now ask me why I kept it.


Bryan, if you’re reading this: the kids are perfect angels, the house is spotless and I’m receiving a full eight hours of restful, undisturbed sleep.

Haiku Friday

Note to Self: Order Cakes in Person

I don’t care if this is true or not, it’s still funny!

I have always felt that many of the folks at Wal-Mart weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, this story only validates my theory that incompetence knows no bounds.

We had a ‘going away’ party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write:

“Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write “We will miss you”.

As the picture shows, it didn’t quite turn out like we anticipated, but it was too funny not to keep it.

Mind Your Ps and Qs

I really love the advice below. Stellar. It appeals to the sarcastic ‘mother’ in me and the lover of English prose. It may have been prudent to post this at the beginning of November…hahaha.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying “Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren’t always necessary and shouldn’t be used to excess so don’t.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous and can be excessive.

14. All generalisations are bad.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don’t use no double negatives.

17. Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Don’t overuse exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words’ that show possession.

27. Don’t use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides, hyperbole is always overdone, anyway.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. Avoid “buzz-words”; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters.

35. People don’t spell “a lot” correctly alot of the time.

36. Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.

37. All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)….Morgan’s Law.

38. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

39. The dash – a sometimes useful punctuation mark – can often be overused – even though it’s a helpful tool some of the time.

40. Proofread carefully to make sure you don’t repeat repeat any words.

41. In writing, it’s important to remember that dangling sentences.

41. When numbering in a written document, check your numbering system carefully.

42. It is important to use italics for emphasis sparingly.

43. In good writing, for good reasons, under normal circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited numbers and with great caution.

44. Avoid going out on tangents unrelated to your subject — not the subject of a sentence — that’s another story (like the stories written by Ernest Hemingway, who by the way wrote the great fisherman story The Old Man and the Sea).

45. Complete sentences. Like rule 10.

46. Unless you’re a righteous expert don’t try to be too cool with slang to which you’re not hip.

47. If you must use slang, avoid out-of-date slang. Right on!

48. You’ll look poorly if you misuse adverbs.

49. Use the ellipsis ( . . . ) to indicate missing . . .

50. Use brackets to indicate that you [ not Shakespeare, for example ] are giving people [ in your class ] information so that they [ the people in your class ] know about whom you are speaking. But do not use brackets when making these references [ to other authors ] excessively.

51. Note: People just can’t stomach too much use of the colon.

52. Between good grammar and bad grammar, good grammar is the best.

53. There are so many great grammar rules that I can’t decide between them.

54. In English, unlike German, the verb early in the sentence, not later, should be placed.

55. When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.