What an ogre I was.  The Yuck had left me unyielding and unshifting, someone I’m not.  All since July.

I wasn’t letting the kids be kids.  Too much structure.  Too much control.  Order. Quiet.  Little statues to adorn the sides of my fireplace.  I have chips and a huge dent in the drywall from where my rage got the better of me and I threw a Little People garage towards the safety gate and missed.  A monument to a person I hope is long gone.  Someone I hope is fixed because I decided to change a few things.

And I have much to be thankful for: My health, my home, my family, my friends.  I have been feeling and doing much! better since I started eating better.  I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a diet, because I’m not.  We never really had cakes and biscuits in the house before, and now we have Costco 3-packs of Carr’s (made in Scotland, no less!) Ginger and Lemon Cremes.  Two is a serving.  I know!  Two!  And, I’ve lost weight to boot.  Eight pounds in 3 weeks.  But I swear I’m not dieting.  No, really.  All I have been doing is adhering to serving sizes on the back of the box.  It’s easy for the most part —  except when it comes to pasta.  Two ounces is a serving?  Really?!  I’d be better off buying a Gerber Stage 3 pasta dinner, there’d be more in that tiny jar, let me tell you.  I think Barilla is taking the Micky.  I mean, come on!  Two ounces?  You know they’re sitting in their cushy wee corporate offices with half a pound of farfalle between two of them, laughing till somebody snorts a hunk of it down their nose.

No, but I’m not bitter.  Yep, I’m not.

Who knew?  I’d be feeling dumpy and gloomy, so I’d eat chocolate.  But all that would do is eventually make me feel worse.  So then I’d eat more sugar, and the sinking feelings still weren’t going away. . . I was going around in a circle.  And becoming a circle!

It’s started a revolution.

So.  I’ve decided.  I’m tired of hearing it, so I’m just going to live.

Enjoy being young, you have fit legs, youth is wasted on the young.
Enjoy dating, it’s all serious business and responsibility after you get married.
Enjoy just the two of you, everything changes when you have children.
Enjoy when they’re babies, they grow so fast.
Enjoy them when they’re throwing fits and imploding, they’ll be teenagers soon.
Enjoy being in your 30’s/40’s, don’t take life so seriously now.
Enjoy your grandkids, you can hand them back.
Enjoy retirement.
Enjoy the young, they have fit legs.  Youth is wasted on the young.

I’m stopping it all.  I’m dropping out of the cycle.  Forget it.  I’m living for myself.  I keep hearing “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3) or thinking about how Christ always went to the children first and blessed them.  Or how we should become like little children. I’m letting the kids be kids and enjoying what we have.  Lining up dining chairs and making trains for hours until we get tired of it.  I’m having water fights and making homemade playdough.  They’re eating off of the ‘good’ grown-up plates and drinking from proper glasses that have the potential to smash, but I don’t care so much, because every day is a special occasion.  They’re sitting and laughing with me and getting to know their mother.

Getting to also know she has a sick sense of humour.

I’m playing hide and seek, but not in a cute-come-find-me kinda way.  In the he-can’t-find-me-and-starts-freaking-out way.  Sure, they’ll have abandonment issues and will likely pay thousands to retreive their sanity, but for now, it’s nice to feel wanted.

One of my new favourite things to do is have Ian lie on the carpet and drop cashews into his mouth.  We laugh together when one slides right in.  We giggle and squirm when one bounces off of his teeth or slides down his neck.

We’re all learning and growing, and I couldn’t be happier.


20 responses to “Metamorphosis

  1. That all sounds wonderful. Enjoy your life, your kids and everyday you all have together.

  2. I love it that you have a temper…at least you have the excuse that you were sick and going through a lot of crap…ME? I don’t! 🙂

    But that’s really cool that you are losing weight and eating better…that is the story of my life…trying to eat and do better with my body and health! 🙂 Thanks for being a good example!

  3. Yaaaaay! Glad you’re doing better: much! better. 🙂


  4. That sounds great! I’m glad to hear that things are getting better and that you’re enjoying yourself and your kids.

  5. Glad to hear you are feeling better and losing weight to boot!

    I think your list of “Enjoys” is wonderful!

  6. So glad you have found the key to your happiness…and have the courage to use it. Me, I only have it half right. I have found the key…but am to afraid to make the changes necessary to use it. Ah, self discovery…it can be a b&^%h!

  7. Good for you! Eight pounds in three weeks. Hmmm….

  8. she’s baaaaaaaaack …

    and better than ever. good for you, sweetie!

  9. I’m so proud of you, toots. Let them be boys. Enjoy it while it lasts.

  10. This was just lovely to read. Life is beautiful — enjoy it!

  11. I’m glad you’re feeling better!

  12. Yep! Our children grow up so fast these days…enjoy everything while you can.

  13. I have been in love with you since the first time i read you. Over time, I have come to respect the woman you are – as a reflection of the amazing women you come from. and now – now I love you even more. You are leaving reflections behind and growing into the woman that your future daughter-in-laws are going to have to try to live up to. Well done you.

  14. So glad to hear. What a great post and a reminder for me as well. Time does go by too quickly.

    p.s. I had no idea about pasta. That explains A LOT!

  15. Very good advice on your Enjoy list. So glad to hear you are doing well. Can you send some of that my way for my weight/health issues? I can’t seem to hop on the wagon yet. Heck, I don’t even see a wagon.

  16. God knows I have been there in my mommy life and found my way out and back again. God must get tired of me! Luckily he doesn’t.

    I have been watching my portion sizes too and it makes a huge difference. I don’t eat pasta but I wonder if that is the dry serving size, I have noticed a few things it gives the info pre cooking.

  17. I typed a comment already I don’t know if it disappeared into the blogosphere or what. Basically to say I have been there too with the bad mommy attitude. Attitude makes all the difference in the world doesn’t it?

  18. Never once did you state Enjoy your teenagers. There is a reason for that!!!

    (Awesome job on changing your attitude!)

  19. I love this post Siobhan! I love you and miss you! You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother!

  20. You got your spice back too! Yaaay!

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