Fractured

How?  How do you transition from the death of a loved one, celebrate the beginning of new lives together two days after that, and then ultimately lay to rest a great man four days later?  Such a myriad of emotion all rooted in one cause: Love.  I went through, and am still going through innumerable emotions.  I couldn’t sleep the night preceding Bryan’s grandfather’s death.  I stayed up until 01:40 not really wanting to go to bed, sensing something from deep within.  I eventually relented and slid into bed, completely uncomfortable and unable to fully relax.  Thirty minutes later, he was gone.  Harried footsteps alerted my brother-in-law downstairs (where we all were too), and he quietly gathered his siblings.

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Two days later, I am standing outside the place where he is to be married, knowing grandpa could full-well be in attendance.  In fact, it would have been the only way he could have attended, and I think he knew that.  Despite the quiet solemnity of the days before, and the further planning and organising needed, the family bore up amazingly well.  There wasn’t any sadness looming over the wedding at all, it was completely a happy occasion.

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The funeral was beautiful, his casket something he might have fashioned by his own hands himself.  Bryan had organised a local piper to be there to play a short melody of Danny Boy and Amazing Grace as he approached the graveside.  He paused for the military recognition and then walked off into the distance playing a beautiful song, Coming Home.

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Coming home myself, I fully planned to walk back in to life, to record my thoughts as they occurred, and catch up with dear friends.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I needed time for myself.  The day after Bryan’s grandpa died and incidentally, the day before the wedding, I went to my former OB/GYN and spoke to an associate there.  I explained how I felt, what changes I had noted in myself emotionally and physically, and how although I didn’t feel unwell, I certainly knew something wasn’t quite right.  She scheduled blood work to be performed, one test being duplicated from my previous blood work, and ordered more than my other visit to the CNM here in Montana.  I had my TSH, T3 and T4 levels checked (all thyroid), my glucose, iron and insulin levels and a few others.

I had felt disappointed and frustrated as I explained my concerns with the nurse midwife (I had to see her, remember my doctor died the night before?  Yeah.) and I was met with, “you need to take time each morning and write daily affirmations on your mirror.”  That’s not what I needed to hear.  In fact, I felt like she wasn’t listening at all.  Although I felt discouraged, I knew I didn’t have to settle for a half-diagnosis; to be told I was fine and sent on my merry way, so I took my health into my own hands and sought out the second opinion.  I have since been referred to an Endocrinologist and am trying to glean as much information about the three available doctors here in the area that I can.

I didn’t realise how heavily everything was weighing on my mind and took the three days I would have been blogging last week to just take time for myself.  I’ve used the word broken before, but that’s how I’ve felt.  I’m not quite my whole self, but I am definitely headed in the right direction.

And as for death and the transition of life, it is part and parcel of life and I accepted that a very long time ago.  What has been most difficult for me is coming to terms with loved ones dying.  It is never easy whether someone is taken from us suddenly or an illness is drawn out — it’s difficult to see people you love go through it and know there is little you can do, if anything.  All you can do is love.

If I have learned anything this week, is it that love really does — and should — encompass life, and that the support and tenderness of those close to us should be magnified.

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18 responses to “Fractured

  1. sending hugs, hon. you need to take care of YOU…

  2. I hope you’re feeling better. HUGS!

  3. I hope you can find an answer to your feelings of not rightness and I’m sorry for the passing of your loved one. I do think, however, that sometimes the best way to handle death is to find a way to celebrate life and a wedding is certainly good for that.

  4. We “talked” about this briefly the other day. What you describe here is the circle of life and the emotion that connects it all is love.

  5. Oh my dear and darling girl, do take care of you. You are such an extraordinary woman, I hate to think of you as being ‘broken’, in any way. Whatever it is – chase it down and get it taken care of. We all need you.

  6. Wow, what a roller coaster. I echo everyone else: Take care of yourself; the rest will follow. xoxo

  7. Very well said. Good luck to you and your new doctor. I’m very nervous to see a specialist tomorrow. I’m half expecting him to tell me I’m fine and I’ve wasted his time…but praying he’ll be supportive and, at the very least, listen to me and take me seriously. They always tell us to listen to our bodies because no one knows them like we do, but then brush us off when we’re concerned about something that’s “nothing”. Kudos to you for being persistent and not giving up on yourself! Feel better soon.

  8. Take care of you. I agree with the others — don’t take no for an answer when it comes to your health. (((hugs)))

  9. Gosh I hope you are okay and get better as you single in on the problem! Death is a fact of life unfortunately…and lucky for us we know we will see them again…

    However it doesn’t make seeing them leave this life an easier does it?

    Beautiful pics of the new couple! 🙂

  10. I’m glad the wedding went well despite the death. And, sadly, death is part of life. I hope the doctors help you out – and you know if you need anything, I got your back.

  11. I hate when the first thing drs. tell you is to just ‘feel’ better. I had one tell me when I complained about how crappy I had been feeling was “you know, you are 40.” Turned out I had Hashimoto’s and my thyroid had basically shut down. Yeah, thanks! Take care of yourself, and keep making those med professional take you seriously! Hope you find out what’s going on very soon.

  12. Get whatever opinions you need. You are the best judge of how “you” are feeling. Take care of yourself. It’s important.

  13. You have been through such a lot this year. Take care of yourself and I hope you get the answers you need and find out what is going on with you.

    Hugs.

  14. Good for you seeking the medical advise in the first place and going further with it and the endocronologist route.
    The funeral looked a very fitting farewell to such a great man as you described.
    I am glad you took the time last week for yourself. Good call.

  15. Tomorrow is your Word Of The Week day. If you do it, would you please include a pronunciation of your name. Most of the non-Brits that read you have no idea how to really pronounce it.

  16. They told me I had IBS for 2 years until a doctor smart enough tested me for a rare disease called Celiac. No wheat or gluten. 2 years, 4 doctors and lets not forget the lovely colonoscopy which I didn’t need. Stay tough and always get other opinions, many honks from my taxi to you!!

  17. I am so glad you took things into your own hands and sought a second opinion. Good for you.
    The last few months have been quite a roller coaster. You certainly know yourself better than anyone else. Take care and take as much time for yourself and family as you need. The love and tenderness of those dear to you should be magnified indeed.

  18. What a difficult range of emotions to go through in such a short period of time. I bet the bagpipes were beautiful. Very sorry for your loss.

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