T13: Scottish Jokes

Telling jokes is a daily pass time in Scotland.  The following are jokes only properly understood in Scotland…

Relax your brain with these and think like a Scot!
1.  A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says,  “Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.”  “Okay,” says her dad. “Where are you ringing from?”  And the girl says: “From the top of my head right down to my knickers.”

2.  A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist.  “Govan,” she replies.

3.  What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?  Oor Wullie.

4.  Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?  He was in his cell.

5.  A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: “How much for the set of antlers?”   “Two hundred quid,” says the bloke behind the counter.  “That’s affa dear,” says the guy.

6.  Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?  He’s awa’ noo.

7.  After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.  “And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate.  “Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.

8.  Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative – “Aye right.”

9.  Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one’s a Musketeer?  The dark tan yin.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?  Just Juan.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?  Coo eight.

10.  A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plumy voice: “Is there money in the box?”  “Naw, it’s just me,” he replies.

11.  What do you call a pigeon that goes  to Aviemore for its holidays?   A sgian dhu.

12.  A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.  “What’s up, Jimmy?” he asks.  “Piston broke,” he replies.  “Aye, same as masel…”

13.  What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer?  The Rolling Stones say: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”  And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says:  “Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.”