T13: Scottish Jokes

Telling jokes is a daily pass time in Scotland.  The following are jokes only properly understood in Scotland…

Relax your brain with these and think like a Scot!
1.  A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says,  “Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.”  “Okay,” says her dad. “Where are you ringing from?”  And the girl says: “From the top of my head right down to my knickers.”

2.  A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist.  “Govan,” she replies.

3.  What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?  Oor Wullie.

4.  Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?  He was in his cell.

5.  A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: “How much for the set of antlers?”   “Two hundred quid,” says the bloke behind the counter.  “That’s affa dear,” says the guy.

6.  Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?  He’s awa’ noo.

7.  After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.  “And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate.  “Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.

8.  Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative – “Aye right.”

9.  Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one’s a Musketeer?  The dark tan yin.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?  Just Juan.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?  Coo eight.

10.  A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plumy voice: “Is there money in the box?”  “Naw, it’s just me,” he replies.

11.  What do you call a pigeon that goes  to Aviemore for its holidays?   A sgian dhu.

12.  A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.  “What’s up, Jimmy?” he asks.  “Piston broke,” he replies.  “Aye, same as masel…”

13.  What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer?  The Rolling Stones say: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”  And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says:  “Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.”


22 responses to “T13: Scottish Jokes

  1. Ummmmmm LOL I’m so lost.

  2. Love Love Love them. Now admittedly, I didn’t get #2 and 6 but the rest? Brilliant.

  3. Excellent, even though I didn’t get all of them.

  4. Shouldn’t #13 be MacLeod? As in MY clan, darling? I happen to think #7 is brilliant and I may make it my new mantra.

  5. To my wife: Brilliant!

    To everyone else: Don’t worry, I am married to her and I still only got 4 in 10

  6. P.S. #6 Americanized… “He’s a wall now” or actually meaning “He’s away now”

  7. This did not relax m y brain – I was totally confused! But I did get a few of them . . . I think.

  8. I only got like 5 of those…but they were FUNNY…very funny! lol!

    Nice Thirteen! 🙂

  9. I actually got few of those… #7 was a HOOT!

  10. Some of those jokes were funny. I enjoyed them.

  11. I understood number one, the rest had me twisting my mouth around trying to do a Scottish accent. And now Boo is screaming at me to stop.

    I hope you are happy woman.


  12. I don’t understand #2 and #6 either. Like Mike. Thankfully, as I got to number 7, I had just swallowed my coffee – yer timin’ was just a bit off.

  13. I actually got a few of these Shiv, lol. I think the funniest part was when that delayed moment of ‘oh, okay – NOW i get it’ sunk in made them click. Piston broke…bwhahaha !

  14. I think I got some of them…maybe. For all I know, I could be way off, but it makes me feel better to think I understood a few!

  15. And here’s me thinking Geordies weren’t that different from Scots. I didn’t understand #2 – you’ll have to explain as I’m not the only one I see.
    I’ve been catching up on your words, (missing). Brilliant. It might inspire me to do a few Geordie ones.

  16. I very seriously love that I don’t get them. I’d ask you to explain, but jokes always lose the funny in the explanation!

  17. I loved them, everyone a classic!…. is it wrong that I laughed all the way through?… (my other half thought so!)
    What about this one…
    3 guys standing at a glasgow bus stop… which one is the doctor?..
    the thurd yen!?

  18. You didn’t mention that Blonde jokes are actually Irish jokes back home 😉

    I got every single one of them – #2 especially, what’s wrong with you people?

  19. i didn’t get most of these… wow… i def. liked the tartan one tho. lol.

  20. I’ve seen this liste before – but I LOVE 2, 7 and 8.

  21. Gratias tibi ago !

    Have you had the experience yet, where you come down with a heavy cold, and the folk around you start to tell you you are finally starting to sound like an American ? (grin)

    Here’s tae us ! Wha’s like us ? No mony, and they’re a’ deid !

  22. First laugh I`ve had on the net for months.
    Oldies but goodies..! 🙂

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