Despite the fear of verbal retribution from my nearest and dearest, I’m going to go and throw caution to the wind and post my homage to Scottish actors. Hate me not for I speak the truth.
1. Craig Ferguson: Yes Craig, I picked you first, because I know how you “like to Google your Yahoo!” and how bemused your wee face would be if you saw I’d placed you #1. I also like talking about you like we’re LIKETHAT and have some sort of lengthy history (nothing sordid, just of a purely platonic nature with a smidgen of unrequited). You’ll get over me though, they all do. One day I’ll devise a question for you to read out loud on your lovely, wind-swept and snazzy show and I’ll get the validation I’m obviously craving. You can thank me for converting my husband to your ideology (when we can bear to stay awake), because until my clandestine intervention, he’d been stalking the gangly Conan O’Brien for years. Yes, I’m THAT good. Oh, and happy birthday on Saturday.
2. James McAvoy: Where were you when I was growing up? — And don’t say Glasgow. I enjoyed the stellar performance in The Last King of Scotland, but don’t hate me because I fell asleep half way through. So what if I’m a lightweight?
3. Gerard Butler: The first time I came across him was ‘Dear Frankie’. I had no idea that 50% of the film was shot in my hometown, so what an added bonus to see his lovely wee face grace the screen. I was no longer resigned to staring blankly at old Scottish actors….
4. Sean Connery: Seany-Sean-Sean, thank you for putting Scotland on the map and for paving the way for Scottish actors everywhere to bog off to Hollywood and leave us all with the dregs of society. I forgive you though, thousands of other women wouldn’t.
5. Ewan McGregor: He blazed the trail for the influx of actors that would come after him. Oh how we owe him. As haunting as Trainspotting was, his shaven-headed face softened the blow. He may also be responsible for the “Scottish haircut” phenomenon to sweep the nation…
6. Dougray Scott: I don’t have much to say, just “hello.” If I say much more I’ll babble. And wet myself.
7. Billy Boyd: It might be hard to believe, but Scotland has its wealth of tonal and accent intonations and differences, probably only noticeable to the trained (read: Scottish, or well-spent) ear. Maybe it was just the appeal of LotR, but then again, Took’s character was much more appealing with the added advantage of the softened Glasgow accent.
8. David Tennant: The new god of the small screen. Admittedly, I was probably too little for Dr. Who in the eighties – but that never stopped me watching – the bloody Daleks scared the jobby out of me. To spite me, Ian stops in his tracks and sits statuesque to watch him parade around, blasting around in the Tardis. I can’t thank him enough for that alone. Move in, we’ll make the space.
9. Gordon Ramsay: OK, he may not be an actor, but worthy enough in my eyes to make my glorious list. His drive for perfection appeals and resonates with me. I’d love to do that stuff but couldn’t tolerate the profanities that would be strewn at me. Nonetheless, I heart you.
10. Robert Carlyle: Probably best known for the leading role in The Full Monty. You can come to your own conclusions, but that’s as far as I’m taking that one.
11. Ewen Bremner: With a face only a mother could love, this one’s all over the place with popular films, but rarely a supporting actor. Sorry, it’s true. Come to think of it, I never did see Snatch.
12. Kevin McKidd: He may be a Ging-er AND a tcheucter, but I can overlook this because he’s known RIGHT NOW for Maid of Hono(u)r. How happy was I that a real Scot is playing a Scot? Very.
13. Alan Cumming: Alan, I’m sorry, but as I have been explicitly honest thus far, why break a habit of a lifetime? I was watching Jay Leno a few years ago with my dear, significant other and during your interview I blurted out, “I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS GAY?!” “You didn’t know Alan Cumming was GAY?!” he spluttered, with a scathing tone of incredulous-ness (it’s a word, shut your dirty mouth), “just listen to him TALK!” “Bryan, he’s from the eastcoast, THEY-ALL-SOUND-LIKE-THAT!”