1. Have you ever seen the Loch Ness Monster?
A: In the interests of tourism: YES!
2. What’s worn under the kilt?
A: Hopefully everything’s in perfect working order.
3. Is any of your family here with you from Scotland?
A: No, just me.
4. Does your mother have a normal name?
A: Her name is Linda, if that’s what you’re inferring.
5. How long have you been speaking English?
6. Do you celebrate Christmas/Hallowe’en in Scotland?
A: We don’t celebrate Christmas. We’re barefooted heathenistic Pagans who take a 3-day pilgrimage to Stonehenge (usually on a bus tour stopping at Blackpool Pleasure Beach) called Henge it Up! during the Winter Solstice. We might move it to The Orkney’s, but the Henge there needs to be expanded for crowd control issues and seating concerns. As for Hallowe’en–we invented it.
7. Do you have electricity and running water?
A: Mum was always bad at remembering to pay the bills…
8. Do you know Bono?
A: He’s Irish. And no.
9. I’m from the Buchanan line near Edinburgh; do you know them?
A: I have no words for that.
10. Do people really eat black pudding and haggis there?
A: Usually not on the same plate, but yes. I’ve tried both but generally only ate haggis once a year on Burns’ Night.
11. Do you live in a castle?
A: I wish. I wish I had that much money too.
12. Do you belong to a Clan?
A: Yes, and we pillage and fight the Sassanacks with trebuchets and knitting needles.
13. How come you’re Scottish and have an Irish name?
A: My Mum broke protocol and picked a name she liked. Plus, there’s no rules in name-calling. It’s better that than pillock.