Thirteen Things I May Have Said to my Children

…but you can’t prove it.

1. Holding my new Supernanny book aloft, “Ian, this book is going to revolutionise your life!”

2. “You love Nicole? Well, you can date her in 12 years, but by then she’ll be 31.”

3. “One day you’re going to realise how awesome I really am.”

4. “There are starving kids in Africa who don’t get to eat over-processed cheese slices, high sodium Oscar Meyer The Cheesiest Cheese Dogs and instant mash. Just sit there and eat it.”

5. “Ian this isn’t a democracy, put your toys away.”

6. To both at any given moment, “Don’t touch that, you’ll go blind.” or “Where’s your trousers?!”

7. “Cameron, put the contraband down and step away.”

8. “This is an iPod. It plays a lot of music, all stored in this tiny device. Back in my day, we had to listen to songs one at a time on a 7-inch vinyl record or a whole album on a 12-inch. And we liked it. Of course, this was pre-1982 before CDs were manufactured.”

9. “Cameron son, don’t cry it’s okay. Just remember: It’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up.”

10. Cameron has broader shoulders than Ian, and at 9 months was 2″ taller than Ian at that age. “One day Cameron’s going to be able to defend himself because he’ll be bigger than you, and when he is he’s going to beat you up. And I’ll just sit back and watch.”

11. “Ian? Stop running from me. Only the guilty run!”

12. “I’m sorry but Play-Doh is not a significant source for daily nutritional requirements.”

13. “The manual extraction from your nasal cavity is not approved behaviour at the dinner table.”

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